fourth of july
Time for fireworks and backyard barbecue, the 4th of July is nigh.
A federal holiday since the 1940’s the Fourth commemorates the day our founding fathers wrote a kiss off letter of dissent to the British crown. Collars were starched, middle fingers were raised and history was made.
It’s been 246 years since those ripe summer signatures were inked and we’ve been baking tri colored cakes, flying flags, setting off explosives, grilling meat and toasting liberty ever since.
If we believe, as I do, that not only people, but cities, countries and pets have zodiac signs, then by date and definition America is a Cancer sun with an Aquarius moon. Defensive, idealistic, moody and unyielding with strong notes of a superiority complex? It tracks, folks.
In honor of the birthday and birth sign of our mother land we bring you a list of the zodiac signs and their respective prescriptions for celebration.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
If an Aries hails from Massachusetts you can bet your bottom dollar and a pocket full of cherry bombs that they’ll be crossing state lines to purchase contraband fireworks. Anywhere else they’re doing their damndest to put on a show and lose an eyebrow, neighbors and niceties be damned.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus rules the second house of values and possessions and bulls may opt to skip parades, picnics and organized fun in general in favor of scoring July 4th deals in store and online on throw pillows, sex toys, wine, meal subscription plans and athleisure wear. Freedom is choosing your own debts, baby.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Little known fact: Fellow Gemini and GOAT American poet Walt Whitman was once a baseball reporter. He saw the best of our national character expressed in the sprints and spit tobacco juice of the sport. In his seminal work, “Leaves of Grass” he urges, “Let us go forth awhile, and get better air in our lungs. Let us leave our close rooms…. The game of ball is glorious.” Get your air and your glory, Gemini. Batter up.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Notoriously insular and possessive, renting a boat suits the needs of this cardinal water sign as it allows them to be apart from the crowds and in the hostage style company of those they love. Nostalgic to the hilt, Cancers can use the vantage of the water to reflect on dead relatives, old loves, their least favorite parent, the stuffed animal they lost that one time and other issues of yore.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Leo rules the fifth house of creativity and pleasure. Often referred to as the “fun house” lions will feel at home amid the convivial air of a parade. Marching bands, helium balloons, acrobatics, cracker jacks and high shine fashion are soul balm to these people. The only thing that beats spectating is being on a float, above the maddening crowds, beaming like the benevolent gods they are.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
As an earth sign who sometimes struggles with anxiety, indigestion and hating everyone who won’t listen to them, this federal holiday is best spent among the orderly and obedient abundance of a fruit grove. Virgo’s powers of discernment will find purpose, their feet warm soil and their soul the restorative qualities of sunlight and naturally occurring fructose.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libra is the sign of partnership and score keeping so it’s only fitting that this cardinal air sign spend Independence day trying to win at a team sport. Whether it’s volleyball, doubles at the pool table or a three legged race, collaboration is key and victory is patriotic validation.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Never afraid of an ugly truth or the shadow side of history, Scorpios can tell scary stories around ye olde bonfire with special attention paid to America’s grim national pastimes of indigenous genocide, chattel slavery, political assassinations and interventionist policies.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
No one can appreciate a declaration of independence more than a freedom seeking, rabble rousing Sagittarius. In honor of this day of days, archers should get loose by breaking up with their partners, gluten, training wheels, criminal associates and/or rat tail mullets.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Sea goats can spend a well deserved day off enjoying the notable cinematic fruits of one of their own, ladies and gentlemen, our own national treasure and unparalleled Capricorn king Mr. Nicolas Cage. Whether you watch the gruesome, hallucinatory masterwork “Mandy,” fall in love with his howling depiction of a one handed paramour in “Moonstruck” or stay on brand with both installment of National Treasure, a ‘Cage match’ is a key to joy.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Ruled as they are by two planets, Aquarians are ever walking the line between structure and utter abandon just as hot dogs skirt the boundary between meat and science. The “America, f**k yeah” energy of Independence Day is likely to inspire elitist water bearers to prove their superiority in a hot dog eating contest.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces people are pro holiday as they like anything, federally sanctioned or not, that invites a vacation from reality. For fish folks I prescribe a day spent listening to EDM in someone else’s pool. Wear something tie dyed or crocheted or both while floating atop an obnoxious raft; unicorn, swan, pineapple, phallus ect. with a fist full of weed gummies and a warm bottle of cheap white wine.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.